Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Only 2 More Sleeps.

Just in case I haven't repeatedly told everyone who will listen, I need this vacation.

Hubs' grandfather passed away on Monday night. It was expected and honestly, a blessing. We will miss him. He was a cranky bastard, but had a soft spot for me. The past few months his health had steadily gone downhill. His service will be next weekend.

Rest in peace, Grandpa.

I also got a call from my sister on Monday morning that my father has colon cancer. I'm still trying to process this information. Please note that I said my sister called to tell me, not my dad called to tell me.

My father and I have been estranged (god, I hate that word) since...well, since I was born. He came in and out of my life randomly, when either my grandmother guilted him into traveling the 200 miles or when he felt like it. Typically I saw him two or three weekends a year. Not much.

As I grew into a teenager, I noticed he favored my sister- she was 4 when my parents split and he had a chance to bond with her more than me. They also had similar interests, whereas all I wanted to do was pout and tell the world how miserable I was.

In my 20's I saw him even less. I was busy doing things 20 year olds do and he was doing his thing.

After meeting Hubs I figured it was time to have him meet my dad. We trekked up to Boston for the afternoon, took in some of the tourist things up there and that was it.

I invited my dad down for a house warming party at my house over 4 years ago. He came, which was nice. My friends met him and everyone said what a great guy he was. I'm sure they thought I was nuts not to have him in my life more often.

Hubs and I started to plan our wedding shortly after that party. I wanted my brother to walk me down the aisle. Jay was going through a rough patch and I thought it would help if he had something to look forward to. Plus, to me, he was my closest male relative. My father at that point met Hubs twice- in 3 years.

So I emailed my dad and explained that I wanted Jay to walk me down the aisle. I told him why. My dad never emailed me back.

A few weeks went by, the wedding was getting closer. I sent out the invites- no word from my father.

I called him one night and blurted out, "Dad, are you coming to my wedding or not?"


So, I think I mumbled something like, "that's your decision to make" and hung up.

Somehow I wasn't surprised. I knew he was going to do this. I hate to say it, but I didn't even think of him on that day. He wasn't missed.

I haven't spoken to him since that day. It was May 2, 2003.

My mom called yesterday and asked me to call him.

I can't do it. I can't. I know if or when he dies I'm going to be so disappointed, but I can't do it.

Life has been coming at me in waves lately- good and bad. I really think talking to him is going to be a breaking point, throwing me over the edge.

Any advice?


Blogger head of the table said...

I haven't spoken to either of my parents in 9 years, except two "accidental" conversations with my father (he answered my brother's cell phone). Neither of them try to call me.

My childhood was terrible, filled with violence and neglect and it's already decided that I won't even invite either to my wedding. I know this makes my situation sound more dramatic than yours, but really, there's no such thing. Not having a parent be a part of your life is so painful. Please don't feel like you've done anything unreasonable, or that it is up to you to make this relationship work before he's gone. You did what you could. If you feel like you have the energy to try, go for it, but if not, don't beat yourself up.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Christie said...

That's a hard decision. Maybe you could call your mom and see what she thinks. She's been a part of the situation and knows all the sides...maybe she'll have some advice that is objective.

I can't imagine being estranged from my parents...that would be a very hard situation to be in. I hope that you can come to a decision that will be the right one for you.

I would hope that you could call your dad. I wouldn't want to regret a last possible chance.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Mindy said...

Being a dad is more than just providing the biological part. Try not to beat yourself up over the way you feel.

So sorry about grandad.

4:25 PM  
Blogger crafty chica said...

this is a really hard situation. i had some problems with my mom. my parents divorced and we were with my father's side. she stop calling us after a while and her reason was the attitude of my father's side and she reason herself as she wanted us to have no worries so she chose to dissappear. 3 years ago i tracked down her and since then we see eachother in a good fashion but part of me is still numb to her as my mother. i dont feel the connection as a mother daughter other people would feel. and i am still fruious with her. whenever she stands up for her rights for something else, i get more furious because she was not challenging at that time for us. but i keep quiet about.

sometimes parents can take the wrong path and it is not the child's fault. but i think you should see him at least one more time, it is better than to feel regret.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Baby Beth said...

I barely talk to my father. I didn't have the best childhood either. He has liver cancer and when he was first diagnosed 3 years ago, I didn't even feel sorry for him. I kinda feel like he deserves what he gets. That's karma, and what can I do about it? He's not walking me down the aisle when I get married. I made that decision years ago. Don't feel like you are a horrible person. You've made contact with him in the past and if he can't even call you to let you know he has cancer, well....He's the parent.

6:10 PM  
Blogger Sachi said...

I'm sorry you're having such heartache, honey. I can only tell you that you need to do whatever it is that you do for you and for no one else. If you are the type of person who spends time thinking "what if?" make the call. If you know that you are correct and that's that, don't call.


1:10 AM  

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