Friday, December 26, 2008

Asking for Help, Again.

My holiday went wonderfully, for the most part. Hubs came through with a beautiful and appropriately sparkly gift, made 2 amazing dinners, and was overwhelmingly jovial throughout the past couple of days. The Boy, although sick with a head cold, managed to make everyone laugh, opening his gifts with gusto and saying, "What is it?"... then- "Thanks a-whaaat" (think 3 year old speak for, "Thanks alot") after each one. Adorable.

We did have some mis-steps, as with all complex family gatherings. Hubs' brother decided Christmas was the best day to get stoned on our front lawn, only to be caught, making dinnertime uncomfortable to say the least. We have a pretty stiff no drug policy, which he is aware of. He's not welcome back into our home.

And- my family collected money for a charity (instead of doing secret santa) and now there's some disagreement as to where the money should be sent.

This is where I need help.

Originally we decided that it was going to go to a certain charity. But someone in my family, let's just say this person is the matriarch of our clan, is insisting that it go to someone else. I know this person isn't going to use the money for what we intended it to be used for. I can't tell the matriarch to go screw herself, but I can't in my heart send the money to charity knowing that someone in my family is hurting.

So, how can I send money to someone, but prevent them from using it on cigarettes and beer (not that there's anything wrong with vices, but he has a family to think of and hasn't worked in over a year)??

If I buy a gift card to Walmart, he can use it to buy things that I don't think he needs- he's irresponsible enough that he'd do just that. But I have no idea what bills he needs to have paid.


There's also the underlying feeling of being controlled my a relative that I don't appreciate. Not to mention the guilt of giving someone money to help them, but telling them what to spend it on.

Somehow, in trying to do a good thing, it's turning into getting my butt repeatedly kicked.

So not fair.

It doesn't help that Hubs is strongly against sending the money to my relative, even offering to match whatever amount we raised if I send it to the charity.

So, someone please tell me how the heck do I send money to someone who will probably blow it on god only knows what or tell me how to get out of this mess with a clear conscience.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Tell me what Santa brought you!! I'd love to hear it.


OpenID said...

So glad to hear that you had a wonderful Christmas!

As for your question, this might be painful for you to do, and this is just purely from my learnings and my belief, you need to let your relative to hit rock bottom in order for him/her to get better. It is harsh, although I believe it's reality. If he/she kept on getting help before that rock bottom step, he/she may never feel the need to get better since there is always someone there to bail him/her out. Think of it as helping him not giving him the money to blow on whatever he doesn't need. But this is all just my two pennies.

I hope you find the answer for your question. And I hope your relative finds his way to the light.

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Diane said...

I think you should look at it in a different way. You did the right thing, the responsible thing and if the person recieving doesn't that is in no a reflection of what you tried to do as good. I know how hard it to watch someone do with funds something we wouldn't do, but then i suppose they would think our little thing with wool and needles is nuts too. If you think named brand charities are any different, you would be wrong, you just don't see it for your self.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Carole Knits said...

oh geez. I'd say a grocery store gift card but a lot of grocery stores sell beer and cigarettes. Honestly, I wonder if you couldn't give to the charity originally planned and then do something privately for your family member. It's hard to know more without more details and I'm sure you kept those private for very good reasons.

7:16 AM  
Blogger Firemanshunny said...

Can you split the money between the two? That way everyone gets what they want but the money given will be less. I don't know how much you raised but hopefully it will be worth it to the relative and the charity to get something.

9:00 AM  
Anonymous SouthMaine / Judy said...

On the grocery idea: Why not do a big staples grocery trip. Like canned food and some freezer meat pasta. You can think of it as additional gift of doing the grocery trip for them.

1:33 PM  

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